I’ve Blogged My Heart

So, from my last blog, you notice I may have been a little excited about the past five months with this awesome girl, I almost wanted to forget the dreadful post-breakup period with my ex. 

It is totally not true that exes are overrated, it’s just that they have such a way of screwing up with your head, plus if you spent a significant time together, they are almost like this shadow that doesn't ever leave, even in the dark!

We tried talking to resolve our problem, but we would end up fighting all over, again and again, neither one of us wanting to budge. We tried therapy; it did not go down well because our issues overrode the advice which we could not put to practice.

Out went my diaries, in came my insecure, self-doubting self. I was bummed out by the idea that I was so unlovable that no one would ever want to be with me. I could not help thinking that when my ex cheated, it was because she was looking for something out there that I was not able to give. The therapist had said that this was not true and that I should stop looking for reasons to justify my ex’s actions. I aint no angel either and I made my mistakes , but lets face it…sometimes we all want to point fingers because that way, we don’t feel like shooting ourselves in the head over some stupid choices that we  make.

My friends were good to me and were there for me when I needed them. They analyzed the situation the best way they understood how, and would pull me up when I slid into the triviality of self-pity. God must have packed and left too, because according to me, He was not there when I needed Him to be there to quick fix me. My indiscernible friend Karma was nowhere either. Why were they taking so damn long!? Or maybe, just maybe, it was my tail that Karma had put on fire and I was paying for something I’d done?!!

As if in a mock gesture by, after we had one of those meltdown conversations that left both of us in tears, she finally told me that she was done trying because I wasn't cutting her any slack. I must admit I became this bitter raging bitch and I felt that she was pushing her luck.

That night she texted to say that she had packed all of my stuff that was still at her house, explicitly listing my toothbrush as one of the items. That text stung, and it stung deep. She had just pushed me off the cliff and I had had it! I had finally gotten to my breaking point.

For weeks after that, I thought and thought about revenge, and how best I would serve it. I turned into this person whom I did not like at all; always on the defensive, mean, serious workaholic and I shut down the world….especially my family. My ego was bruised badly, my heart damaged and my system sick from all the stress.

Credit be given where deserved though. Even with all the mess were making off each other, she really did try to make things right, sometimes she tried a tad too much and pushed me further than closer. Unlike me who took a long time to admit and own my fuck-ups, she owned hers. This was a relieve because it proved to me that I was not cuckoos, but with her admission, came followed in quick succession by deep feelings of betrayal. i so felt what Adele was feeling when she did the 21 album.

As is the usual in these kinds of situations, I experienced the emptiness, anger, loneliness, regret, bitterness, .....heartbreak. I've grown a lot since, and I am not a bitch anymore; gone through the motions and crawled out of the armpit situation that was.

Sometimes, we get so wrapped up in our pain and personal ‘rescue’ that we don’t notice the pillars around us, pillars from whom, we can lean on and get back on our feet. I finally run out of excuses to refuse visits by my sisters, and one of them literally broke the ‘call me first protocol’ that we have on visits, and came unannounced to my house.

Let’s just stay, my heart was not the only one in shambles. She helped me clean-up and we made small talk as she tried to cheer me up and dredge information about what was going on with me. Though I did not say it word for word, but she figured that I’d been knocked to the ground in the name of love. It actually felt better just talking to her and having her around.

So I have blogged my heart, and now I want to swiftly move on to other things. Don't dare judge me coz I secretly wait for karma to hear my call. Maybe I shouldn't have said it loud because I heard she has reservations about being called out…or outted for that matter…hehee! 

The Six Month Curse

I like me a good friend, a confidant and trustworthy friend whom you share almost everything with. This friend becomes your pillar and you turn to them when you are bored, happy, sad, harassed and even scared. Better still, this friendship turns into something better, deeper and ‘just right’.

It is insane that after only a couple of months since we made our dating official, this woman who has been my good friend still makes my head spin when we kiss, makes me feel like I want to touch myself when she teases me on phone, even when am in a matatu!, makes me breathless when she grabs me by my top and pulls me close for a kiss...when she pins me against the wall and just ravages me.

I have discovered things about my body that I never ever knew were in existence or even possible. Do not get me wrong, I have had a wonderful sex life before in my previous relationship, but this one is just....freaking out of this world! I had my fears at the beginning that this was too good to be true, that maybe I was in a wonderful dream and it will end eventually, but I have been waiting for months now to wake up, clearly confirming the non-dream.

This could be either true or just myth…what they call the SIX MONTH CURSE. This is when your peers ask if you have got to the cursed sixth month, and if not, that you need to brace yourself for it.

Apparently, this is the make or break of any relationship. When a couple starts questioning each other, as to what suddenly happened. The love notes, flowers, home cooked candle lit dinners, and explosive sex all disappear. That boredom replaces the sparks.

I could be wrong, but I tend to think this curse thing is just a myth, an excuse that people use when they get tired of keeping the fire burning in the relationship. Yes, situations and priorities change, what with work and family and school and entrepreneurship and friends etc.

Could it be so difficult to continue treating your partner, or at least being spontaneous even after the sixth month? Not unless one was pretending to try and impress to win someone over?

In the past almost six months now, I have allowed myself to be emotionally open, though I was a bit guarded at the beginning. No…scratch that! I was so very guarded and was so afraid to put myself out there again, lest I get hurt over all over again.

My girl surprised me this weekend and took me over to this new coffee place. She actually tricked me to going over, because she had told me she had to see her boss briefly, then we could go on with the other shughulis that we had in town. I almost passed right past the coffee place, but she pulled me in and took me to this balcony table. I was so excited, and so happy and I was even more awestruck at how I was growing to love her more and more each day. Haki the things that move us!

We then proceeded to have one of the greatest weekends over, we had such a good time. We talked over a bottle of wine, read through an encyclopedia that contains this epic history that I totally love, and made love so many times, we were at it like wild rabbits mpaka we sat back and laughed about it because it was just crazy.

The reason why I am going on and on about this weekend, is because I realized we are always discovering and doing something different so frequently, that I doubt we will be counting down the last days of our fifth month to welcome the gloom of the sixth month.

This is not to say that we have not had our fights, but we have worked through them and come out stronger. This is what I want to maintain way past six months, past one year and more. I want all the coming months to be just as amazing, that we will maintain the reasons why we fell in love, that we continue to do things to and for each other. My heart dances at the thought of the two of us, and I intend to keep it that way.

Do you think the six month curse is myth or truth? Food for thought.

Cleaning Out My Closet…Well, Almost

Routine is a bad thing. My bet is that even though it has streamlined all my adult life, it has also made it kinda boring. This new chapter of my life decrees that I do things differently. 

My mother says that I have a love relationship with my diaries and she is very curious as to what I write in there, almost every day. She doesn’t understand how I can have something new to write about, everyday!

So this last weekend, I got all my diaries out and started reading through my past entries. This was very emotional for me, because it was almost like re-living my life all over again.

The diaries took me back a long time. They contained details of my first girl crush, Alice…and wasn’t she pretty. She had these cute dimples and the sweetest smile. I hear she works for Emirates Airlines now as an air hostess. I laughed at entries of my fantasies with her, how I salivated at the thought of kissing her soft lips and feeling her warm body next to mine. My cowardly self was never able to tell her how I felt, and when she finally cleared her fourth form when I was in my third, I could only follow her progress briefly before she disappeared, on LinkedIn.

After Alice, there was Thelma, who was the first girl I ever kissed. Yaani, I had it so bad for Thelma, I would tremble when she touched me, even slightly or absently. Thelma was the estate tomboy and it was an open secret that we were an item. She would hang out with the boys, and play basketball with them and I would watch them play in the evenings.

Later, we would go over to their house and after cleaning up, we would go sit at the back on the staircase and she would do wonderful things to me! I especially got on the thought that whatever we were doing was in public and this only made the thrill hotter. Then we would go get naked in her room we would make love, then she would escort me home. This was our routine almost every day, and I remember I would be so wet for her by the time evening came, my body was used to the clock work.

Thelma was my first love, and it took me almost a year of mourning and sulking, when she had to leave for the US for further studies. We were in constant touch during that first year, but the emails, chats and phone calls gradually reduced and finally ground to a halt. It was time we both moved on anyway.

Then came the person who has filled my diaries for almost eight years. With this girl, we had our life all planned out…the white picket fence house, a family dog and two kids, and a happily ever after. The eight years we were ‘married’ were filled with both very happy times and very low, very low moments. We did it all, except travel the world together and have babies, which is the project we were working on when my world crumbled around me.

The last three years have been the worst, I feared we were actually living the lesbian death bed theory! We both made our mistakes, I got really busy at work, she started having one affair after another one and I was STILL holding on. I attempted to move on, but we were like a see-saw and we would end up in bed together, having angry sex, and then gradually making passionate love. It was like a drug.

My diaries filled up quickly during this time, and I frequented home more often. Mum would see I was troubled, but I guess she never knew how to ask what was wrong, but it made me feel better just being near her anyway.

My relationship then just died a natural death. I had become sick and tired of the lies and the attitude and the ‘don’t care attitude’ that we had both adopted and played so well. Then I realized, while I was hurting with bitterness and anger, she was having her fun with her random girlfriends and chips fungas, I was just cramping her style and crowding her space.

So we finally had a sit down and decided to just part ways and move on. But we also both agreed that we both had this feeling that we may actually end up getting back together after God knows how long because we were sort of attached to each other. Heck, maybe it was separation anxiety.

So anyway, I tore up all my eleven diaries...yes, 11! It was sort of therapeutic coz it was like I was letting go of the past, past hurt, heartache, sadness, but also the good moments that were probably the reason why I was stubbornly holding on to a relationship that was septic for me.

We have gotten naughty a couple of times after the separation and torn at each other’s clothes for a night of passion….see, that’s why I say, we are either bewitched, or we have become each other’s tempestuous addiction. The last one I remember, she had come to my place to drop off my books that I had left behind at her house. She got comfortable in the house, we talked, watched a movie and it was way past 9.30pm. It was settled that she would just crash at my place.

So we eventually got to bed, and like clockwork, we snuggled close and intertwined our legs like we had always done before…a position I absolutely love coz it so cozy. More so, it’s warm…and because it always turned her on…my thighs all over hers. So this night, it wasn’t any different. I noticed her breathing had changed, and she pulled me closer, her hands found their way to my back, then to my breasts and before we could stop to think, we were mourning to our lovemaking. Next morning, I was trying not to do a walk of shame out of bed, but I was like, what the heck…I got needs, we got compromised and damn, the sex was good!

I guess then I am still cleaning out my closet, but I keep going back in for old time’s sake. Now that I got rid of my diaries, I may as well transfer my thoughts on the blog and share with the world…that way, my thoughts and experiences will not just be my own.