Identity Denied

I have heard numerous stories and experiences told by queer folk about their coming out. Each of them was unique, with both laughter and tears. One friend of mine was recently disowned by his family when they found out he was gay. His father threw out his mother as well, because “your son is a disgrace to this family’’.  Suddenly, the father now refers to my friend as his mother’s and that his ‘blood’ does not carry the gay gene, he must have got the gene from the mother.

One can only begin to imagine what the boy is going through now. I partly understand it, from my coming out experience. My coming out has been a process, it still is and in my opinion, this process never ends, ever. If you are not coming out to a family member today, or a friend, colleagues...etc, you are tomorrow, and the next month, next year.....and it goes on and on.

When my sisters started teasing me years ago about how "choosy" I was because I would dismiss every boy that tried to ask me out, I so wished that I would just let them know that boys are not my thing. When I would not bring any boys home, they tried to fix me with blind dates, and when all that failed, they sat and watched so that they could figure out what my deal was.

When I u-hauled with my first girlfriend, I heard them say that I have made a good decision to move in with my good friend because then, we would share expenses in the tougher economic situation. On other occasions, they would tell me to stop behaving like the last born I am for wanting to always have someone live with me, and just start living on own. I never offered them an explanation that this was actually my partner, the person that I wanted to share my life with.

Eventually, I was bursting to tell them not to hold their breath anymore by waiting for me to bring a boy home. My big family is like a market place so I was sure that if I talked to one of my sisters, the news would spread in an instance. I was right! :-)!

Funny thing is, some of them said it was about time, and that the pieces of the big puzzle about me had finally just fallen into place. My brother, bless his soul, said he was happy for me and my sexuality did not change his love for me at all. However, I knew there was trouble when my sister Kui* started brewing trouble. Kui had always found a way of annoying me somehow. I do love her, but sometimes I think she is and has always been  miss goody-two-shoes. She always finds a way of having her way...she talks too much and judges too much and is always complaining about one thing or the other.

I get texts from her to date, telling me that God loves me....that am beautiful and can do anything I want to do in life....that I can succeed in whatever I do if I put my mind to it... Just subtle hints that I was erring in the path I have chosen for my life,… or that I was putting a dent in the flowery arrangement that she envisions as our perfect family. Usually, besides making note of them, I ignore the texts.

But recently, she voiced the boldest and most forward disapproval of my sexuality. She said that whatever I am, "is not fair to them (family) or to the kids (my nieces and nephews) some of whom are already teenagers and may start questioning why I am the only one in the family that has not introduced an 'uncle nanii' to them".

That statement stung, and  it stung deep. I felt that it was as if she was removing me from the picture completely by glaring my difference and using it as reason to justify her discomfort...and the kids were excellent bait! I wondered if she stopped to think about me for a minute, or cared about my happiness.

True that coming out is a task...it’s almost like having to introduce yourself over and over because some people just do not let go. Like you have to keep justifying yourself every time someone questions why you are what you are. Maybe we could pull a Jodie Foster move and dictate time and dictate out time and conditions under which we come out.

I wonder if you guys have been in situations such as this. I usually do not give a shit about a total stranger who doesn’t know me or anything about my life, but when your family, the people who are closest to you, question and deny you, that is beyond hurting. And worse, the heteronormative society that we are living in at the moment is unforgiving. Shall we ever get to that level that we are yearn for?

I’ve Blogged My Heart

So, from my last blog, you notice I may have been a little excited about the past five months with this awesome girl, I almost wanted to forget the dreadful post-breakup period with my ex. 

It is totally not true that exes are overrated, it’s just that they have such a way of screwing up with your head, plus if you spent a significant time together, they are almost like this shadow that doesn't ever leave, even in the dark!

We tried talking to resolve our problem, but we would end up fighting all over, again and again, neither one of us wanting to budge. We tried therapy; it did not go down well because our issues overrode the advice which we could not put to practice.

Out went my diaries, in came my insecure, self-doubting self. I was bummed out by the idea that I was so unlovable that no one would ever want to be with me. I could not help thinking that when my ex cheated, it was because she was looking for something out there that I was not able to give. The therapist had said that this was not true and that I should stop looking for reasons to justify my ex’s actions. I aint no angel either and I made my mistakes , but lets face it…sometimes we all want to point fingers because that way, we don’t feel like shooting ourselves in the head over some stupid choices that we  make.

My friends were good to me and were there for me when I needed them. They analyzed the situation the best way they understood how, and would pull me up when I slid into the triviality of self-pity. God must have packed and left too, because according to me, He was not there when I needed Him to be there to quick fix me. My indiscernible friend Karma was nowhere either. Why were they taking so damn long!? Or maybe, just maybe, it was my tail that Karma had put on fire and I was paying for something I’d done?!!

As if in a mock gesture by, after we had one of those meltdown conversations that left both of us in tears, she finally told me that she was done trying because I wasn't cutting her any slack. I must admit I became this bitter raging bitch and I felt that she was pushing her luck.

That night she texted to say that she had packed all of my stuff that was still at her house, explicitly listing my toothbrush as one of the items. That text stung, and it stung deep. She had just pushed me off the cliff and I had had it! I had finally gotten to my breaking point.

For weeks after that, I thought and thought about revenge, and how best I would serve it. I turned into this person whom I did not like at all; always on the defensive, mean, serious workaholic and I shut down the world….especially my family. My ego was bruised badly, my heart damaged and my system sick from all the stress.

Credit be given where deserved though. Even with all the mess were making off each other, she really did try to make things right, sometimes she tried a tad too much and pushed me further than closer. Unlike me who took a long time to admit and own my fuck-ups, she owned hers. This was a relieve because it proved to me that I was not cuckoos, but with her admission, came followed in quick succession by deep feelings of betrayal. i so felt what Adele was feeling when she did the 21 album.

As is the usual in these kinds of situations, I experienced the emptiness, anger, loneliness, regret, bitterness, .....heartbreak. I've grown a lot since, and I am not a bitch anymore; gone through the motions and crawled out of the armpit situation that was.

Sometimes, we get so wrapped up in our pain and personal ‘rescue’ that we don’t notice the pillars around us, pillars from whom, we can lean on and get back on our feet. I finally run out of excuses to refuse visits by my sisters, and one of them literally broke the ‘call me first protocol’ that we have on visits, and came unannounced to my house.

Let’s just stay, my heart was not the only one in shambles. She helped me clean-up and we made small talk as she tried to cheer me up and dredge information about what was going on with me. Though I did not say it word for word, but she figured that I’d been knocked to the ground in the name of love. It actually felt better just talking to her and having her around.

So I have blogged my heart, and now I want to swiftly move on to other things. Don't dare judge me coz I secretly wait for karma to hear my call. Maybe I shouldn't have said it loud because I heard she has reservations about being called out…or outted for that matter…hehee!