So, from my last blog, you notice
I may have been a little excited about the past five months with this awesome
girl, I almost wanted to forget the dreadful post-breakup period with my ex.
It
is totally not true that exes are overrated, it’s just that they have such a
way of screwing up with your head, plus if you spent a significant time
together, they are almost like this shadow that doesn't ever leave, even in the
dark!
We tried talking to resolve our
problem, but we would end up fighting all over, again and again, neither one of
us wanting to budge. We tried therapy; it did not go down well because our
issues overrode the advice which we could not put to practice.
Out went my diaries, in came my
insecure, self-doubting self. I was bummed out by the idea that I was so
unlovable that no one would ever want to be with me. I could not help thinking
that when my ex cheated, it was because she was looking for something out there
that I was not able to give. The therapist had said that this was not true and
that I should stop looking for reasons to justify my ex’s actions. I aint no
angel either and I made my mistakes , but lets face it…sometimes we all want
to point fingers because that way, we don’t feel like shooting ourselves in the
head over some stupid choices that we
make.
My friends were good to me and
were there for me when I needed them. They analyzed the situation the best way
they understood how, and would pull me up when I slid into the triviality of
self-pity. God must have packed and left too, because according to me, He was
not there when I needed Him to be there to quick fix me. My indiscernible
friend Karma was nowhere either. Why were they taking so damn long!? Or maybe,
just maybe, it was my tail that Karma had put on fire and I was paying for
something I’d done?!!
As if in a mock gesture by, after
we had one of those meltdown conversations that left both of us in tears, she
finally told me that she was done trying because I wasn't cutting her any
slack. I must admit I became this bitter raging bitch and I felt that she was
pushing her luck.
That night she texted to say that
she had packed all of my stuff that was still at her house, explicitly listing
my toothbrush as one of the items. That text stung, and it stung deep. She had
just pushed me off the cliff and I had had it! I had finally gotten to my
breaking point.
For weeks after that, I thought
and thought about revenge, and how best I would serve it. I turned into this
person whom I did not like at all; always on the defensive, mean, serious
workaholic and I shut down the world….especially my family. My ego was bruised
badly, my heart damaged and my system sick from all the stress.
Credit be given where deserved
though. Even with all the mess were making off each other, she really did try
to make things right, sometimes she tried a tad too much and pushed me further
than closer. Unlike me who took a long time to admit and own my fuck-ups, she
owned hers. This was a relieve because it proved to me that I was not cuckoos,
but with her admission, came followed in quick succession by deep feelings of
betrayal. i so felt what Adele was feeling when she did the 21 album.
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As is the usual in these kinds of
situations, I experienced the emptiness, anger, loneliness, regret, bitterness,
.....heartbreak. I've grown a lot since, and I am not a bitch anymore; gone
through the motions and crawled out of the armpit situation that was.
Sometimes, we get so wrapped up
in our pain and personal ‘rescue’ that we don’t notice the pillars around us,
pillars from whom, we can lean on and get back on our feet. I finally run out
of excuses to refuse visits by my sisters, and one of them literally broke the ‘call
me first protocol’ that we have on visits, and came unannounced to my house.
Let’s just stay, my heart was not
the only one in shambles. She helped me clean-up and we made small talk as she
tried to cheer me up and dredge information about what was going on with me. Though
I did not say it word for word, but she figured that I’d been knocked to the
ground in the name of love. It actually felt better just talking to her and
having her around.
So I have blogged my heart, and
now I want to swiftly move on to other things. Don't dare judge me coz I secretly wait for karma to hear my call. Maybe I shouldn't have said it loud because I heard she
has reservations about being called out…or outted for that matter…hehee!
